The Pyramid of Bullshit! Or, 30+ WTF moments in an overrated mini-series.
Well, I said I was going to be honest with my reviews! If you haven’t seen The Pyramid of Darkness in a while then you might be wondering how on Earth I could have such a problem with it? Trust me, there are too many stupid moments in this mini-series to remember them all, so I don’t blame you for thinking I’m wrong. But don’t worry, I’m going to break it down, one mind fuck at a time.
The Pyramid of Darkness is written by Ron Friedman, the man who did such a great job on the first two mini-series (the MASS Device and Revenge of Cobra) and yet is so wildly illogical and fanciful it is a “WTF?” per minute marathon. How did this come from the same writer and why is it so bad?
Heck, I’m sounding like Hector Ramirez, aren’t I? I’ll try to sound less douchy.
WTF? Is Cobra Commander playing with a Cosmic Cube?
First, let’s set the scene. While the MASS Device and Revenge of Cobra had their fanciful moments (a giant temple statue coming to life?), I always found that I could let it slide because it was infrequent and handled in a highly entertaining way. Pyramids of Darkness is like a series of ongoing blows against sanity, however and gets no “get out of jail free” card from me. Too many questions are raised in quick succession. Too many logic defying leaps. I think the only way to do this is point-by-point. That’s right, not 10, not 20, but 30 WTF moments spread across 5 episodes (though concentrated mostly in episodes 1 and 4).
EPISODE 1: The Further Avdbentures of G.I. Joe (this episode takes the cake for highest number of WTFage)
WTF? #1:
Cobra catches a shuttle that is launching into the sky with a net connected to an encirclement of HISS tanks on the ground far below.
WTF? #2:
Flint uses his Skystriker’s wing to dissect Cobra Commander’s super-sized HISS tank in two. Flint then levels out and flies off seemingly with no damage at all. This could only happen if HISS tanks are made out of paper mache. Since this is not the case, this is WTF? #2.
WTF? #3:
Gigantic humanoid Water Robots rise out of nowhere (well, let’s just say Cobra Commander’s ass) to save him and the Crimson Twins from G.I. Joe. If you have something this massive and awesome, and two of them to boot, then what do you need tanks and helicopters for? Seriously, the Water Robots even defeat the pursuing Joe force. Whatever comes of these 100% successful weapons in Cobra’s arsenal? Nothing apparently. Cobra seem to forget all about them. Shitty…
WTF? #4:
Fatal Fluffies. Either the Ewoks (1983) or Mogwhai / Gremlins (1984) seem the inspiration here. I can live with this in G.I. Joe, but it’s still surprising and jarring at first to see them, especially when they turn into fire breathing Wampas! So many episodes of the series seem to tell such a good story without getting so fanciful with the science / magic.
WTF? #5:
Aboard G.I. Joe Space Station Delta, Junkyard knows something is wrong about the Fatal Fluffies in their diminutive cuddly form. Mutt points out to Breaker that Junkyard doesn’t make mistakes. Mutt on the other hand sure does! Cobra Commander left a note inside the container he used to smuggle the the Fata Fluffies onto the shuttle. This is what Mutt reads aloud: “These adorable creatures are called ‘Fatal Fluffies’. I’m sure you will enjoy their deadly secret.” Compare that to what is actually written onto the card. Either Mutt is badly dyslexic, or he’s making shit up to support Junkyard’s instincts. Now there is owner / pet loyalty!
WTF? #6:
Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes’ Sharc subs are flooding with water so Shipwreck holds Polly’s beak (standing in for a human nose) while presumably, Timber holds his own canine breath.
All four escape by swimming to the surface… yes Timber and Polly swim too. I find it hard enough to believe a wolf could swim twenty feet up to the surface, but a parrot? Okay, so it was mildly funny, but it was also stupid and not in a good way.
WTF? #7:
Zartan, having taken control of G.I. Joe Space Station Delta, uses it on Cobra Commander’s orders to blow up Joe Headquarters (it has a laser cannon). Okay, I can live with this. But here is where the “WTF?” comes in. Cobra Commander proceeds to detail his plan to his henchmen. Cobra will place four weird looking cubes at the four corners of the Earth and Space Station Delta will shoot a beam down that will connect with all four creating a “Pyramid of Darkness” that will deprive the world in its shadow from using electricity and allow Cobra to… conquer the world! My “WTF?” comes in concerning the orbiting laser cannon that Cobra Commander seems to have no further use for. WTFH?
You see, Cobra doesn’t really need a Pyramid of Darkness now they have the Joe space station. The only justification for the mind boggling Pyramid scheme (badum cha!) is fear of World military reprisals against their new orbiting toy. Theoretically, going the extra step of depriving the Joes of electricity does help stop the Joes from recapturing Space Station Delta, but you’d think the incredible power of the Space Station’s laser cannon would be an important factor in the rest of the story. Cobra could use it to force world governments to concede to various demands. Nope. Not crazy enough apparently! Betty to rule over a medieval world, I guess.
WTF? #8:
While it is amusing to see Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes disguised as Cobra workers accompanied by their parrot and timber wolf, it can’t be excused with simple lamp shading (the device in which a character acknowledges the ridiculousness of a situation, siding with the audience and making it easier to accept). Any member of Cobra, especially the officers they encounter later, should instantly be able to recognize Snake-Eyes in particular as a G.I. Joe for the very fact his is still wearing his distinctive mask and knight visor. Come on! Is this G.I. Joe National Lampoon or something?
WTF? #9:
Cobra checkpoint security is tight. You fail the voice check then rather than handcuff you, or shoot you, the hallway is closed off on either end, the opposing walls produce spikes and begin closing in on you while a row of saw blades tear through the floor toward your feet. All I can say is that I’m glad Cobra doesn’t run our airports! If you have a sore throat, you’re fucked!
EPISODE 2: Rendevous In The City Of The Dead (note, they don’t even arrive in the City of the Dead until episode 3)
WTF? #10:
In the cartoon, there was no Admiral Keel Haul, instead we got Admiral Ledger, a fat old white-guy who is a big fan of “Old Navy”. Honestly, he sounds like Sgt. Slaughter’s older, fatter brother. “ROADBLOCK SAID RETALIATION DIDN’T HE? WELL THAT’S JUST WHAT WE’LL DO… RETALIATE!!!” Jesus Christ dude, take a Xanax!
He warns Flint that women are bad luck and danger is no place for a lady, but whats more, he says it in that fake old man voice that makes it even more cringe worthy. He’s a self-admitted sexist pig. While the world is filled with such, his dooshy attitude creates eye-rolls in our current age of independent 21st century women, and although this cartoon was produced in the 1980s, this scene still feels behind the times and an unusual inclusion. Not quite on the level of the previous WTFage we’ve had so far, but still a whispered “WTF?” at least.
WTF? #11:
Look at the picture above. Look at it! If for some reason it won’t load, then let me explain. Timber, Snake-Eyes’ pet Timber Wolf that he acquired while suffering from radiation poisoning in the first G.I. Joe mini-series The MASS Device, takes over pumping their charlie horse along the rails. When Shipwreck gets an electric shock, Timber finds the time to stop working the charlie horse levers to rescue him from falling onto the tracks. Shipwreck turns and thanks Timber, and I swear I thought Timber was about to say “It was nuthin’ Shipwreck!” And why not? He might as well have because it would fit perfectly with the rest of this story.
WTF? #12:
Flint and Lady Jaye are fighting Cobra at a volcanic site known as the Devil’s PLayground, when they fall into the boiling red mud. Wild Bill confirms that if the mud doesn’t boil them, they will drown. Not to worry. Flint and Lady Jaye suddenly seem to have very thick skin… and thick eyes too! It’s very clear mud… and lukewarm I’m guessing, because Flint and Lady Jaye are able to keep their eyes open when fully submerged and activate Lady Jaye’s emergency utility javelin design just for this very situation…
EPISODE 3: Three Cubes to Darkness
WTF? #13:
Already fully submerged in boiling mud, Lady Jaye is able to used her javelin to create a bubble around herself and Flint. This bubble is thick and strong enough to hold back the weight of the mud around them, and somehow her javeline also contains an extra-dimensional oxygen supply that fills the bubble with air they can breathe. They then rise through the boiling mud to the surface, with enough time to flirt with each other and blush. Hey, if this is what it takes to turn you on, go for it, I say!
It’s also very clean mud. Even as they are climbing out of the mud they’re uniforms look good as new. We’re not talking about the next shot. We’re talking the same shot!
WTF? #14:
Lady Jaye and Flint mount an attack on the Cobra Cube, but it can take care of itself, capturing both Joes with robotic tentacles. Wait a minute… WTF? Lady Jaye got changed while in mid-air?
Between shots, Lady Jaye has somehow switched to her arctic overcoat! It then vanishes in the next shot.
WTF? #15:
Are the cubes so big to signify the scope of Cobra’s world spanning pyramid? No. The only reason the cubes are so big is to fit all the robotic arms and laser guns hidden inside for its defense.
WTF? #16:
Remember how episode 2 was called “Rendezvous in the City of the Dead”? Well, the only real scene at this location with the Joes in it doesn’t come until the end of episode 3!!! The Joes, finally in the City of the Dead, step on a stone that awakens the ceramic army of statues. A whole army! This stretches the supernatural side of G.I. Joe to new limits that won’t be challenged until the episode “The Gods Below”. Neither are high points in the show’s history unless you like it when G.I. Joe veers wildly into magic and science fiction.
Episode 4: Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls
WTF? #17:
In the arctic, Alpine and Bazooka (the only mentally challenged member of the Joe team) are trapped on a floating block of ice about to become Snow Leopard food, but a barefoot, half-naked man shows up in time to stage their rescue. He defeats four armed Crimson Guardsmen inbetween quoting John Wayne, and then takes out Storm Shadow without his feet shattering like glass in the process. He explains to Alpine and Bazooka that he is a movie stuntman who was abandoned in the arctic by his crew and that his name is Quick Kick. He already has a codename and he IS NOT A G.I. Joe! Bazooka is fine with this shit, because he recognizes Quick Kick from candy bar commercials and well… Bazooka loves candy. But that’s not the point. The point is, Not once does this annoying son-of-bitch even indicate he is affected by the freezing environment. He might as well be standing on a beach throughout the scene. Quick Kick has the worst EVER introduction for a new Joe character. For a complete explanation as to why I hate Quick Kick, see my post “Quick Kick Sucks!”.
WTF? #18:
We are told, and frequently reminded in the Pyramid of Darkness mini-series, that Tomax and Xamot feel each other’s pain / sensations. Now, Leanne likes this aspect of the Crimson Twins, but even she shouted “WTF?” when Flint wrestled with Tomax, and his brother at Cobra headquarters fell on the floor, mimicking the handcuffing movements. She remembers when she was a child, that she asked her father, who happens to be an identical twin, whether he felt his brother’s pain. Of course this is just a fun little myth, but the cartoon really went to town with it!
Okay, it was cool at first that you could punch one in the face and both Crimson Twins would fall to the ground, but controlling the physical movements of both? What happens when Tomax is having sex? Does his brother, Xamot, in the neighboring city feel what he feels? Does he suddenly cream himself in the middle of a conference?
WTF? 19:
In order to get past the gates leading out of Cobra town, Satin, the singer that Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes have hooked up with, dresses them as part of her dance troop and put on a show. Who knew Shipwreck was so good with a saxophone? One of his many talents, I’m sure. But surely Timber deserves the highest accolades for his two-legged dance wearing a hat, a rat tail, and a knight visor. Hang on! Where was Snake-Eyes keeping the spare knight visor all this time? Oh wait, I’m missing the point… WTF is Timber doing… and more importantly…
WTF is Snake-Eyes doing?
Snake-Eyes came to dominate EVERYTHING about the Marvel Comic run, to the point that the comic was eventually headlined by him, trumping the G.I. Joe logo’s position on the front covers. Comic only fans, especially purists will absolutely hate seeing Snake-Eyes impersonating Boy George. It is funny… but it is yet ANOTHER WTF moment.
WTF? #20:
Xamot releases his “Star Flies” from his wrist watch to distract two sailors guaring Tomax. WTF Cobra? WTF?!
WTF? #21:
Whilst Destro is setting up the last Cobra cube to complete the Pyramid of Darkness, Lady Jaye attempts to kill him!
Destro is underwater in diving gear finishing the installation of the cube at the Sea of Lost Souls when Lady Jaye locates him. He sends his Robotopus (yes, ROBOTOPUS) after her, but she is able to deactivate it and send it back at him. While he struggles with it, Lady Jaye suddenly chooses to hurl a spear (harpoon? javelin?) at Destro, but fortunately for him it hits the Robotopus freeing him…
Let’s make something clear. Destro is effectively captured by his own device and no longer an immediate threat. Lady Jaye can now investigate the cube further or attempt to take some action to put it out of commission. Instead, she almost absent-mindedly seems to decide killing Destro would be more fun right now. I mean, we could pretend she’s throwing the spear at him to free him from the Robotopus, but why would she do that? There is no indication Destro’s life is threateneded by the Robotopus. No, it seems the only danger to Destro is Lady Jaye. Even if Lady Jaye decided she wanted to free Destro, right after she turned the Robotopus against him and incapacitated him, she is still risking impaling him while he struggles. No, Lady Jaye is a would-be murderess. There is very little dialogue in this scene to suggest otherwise.
WTF? #22:
With no electrical power functioning under the shadow of Cobra’s Pyramid of Darkness, the Crimson Twins have prepared a more traditional form of travel… horse and carriage… Oh wait! It’s shark and life raft! Who knew sharks could be trained to pull life rafts, or even to wait around without supervision while the owners are away?! But the real “WTF?” comes when we hear the rumble of a motor boat in the background during the subsequent shot of the Twins making their escape!
WTF? #23:
Okay, considering there was Shipwreck’s “Land Sail” in Revenge of Cobra perhaps I shouldn’t be WTFing here. But still…
WTF? #24:
Satin drops Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes outside the city limits and then, while driving off, proceeds to reveal her motivation against Cobra while Shipwreck tries to keep up with her on foot. Stain (oops, I meant Satin, but I think she deserves that typo) doesn’t shout her father’s tragic story, she instead speaks at a normal conversational volume. This scene is just weird. Seriously, you need beer to help get the most out of this mini-series!
WTF? #25:
Oh look, it’s that asshole Quick Kick again! Not only is he the face of “Fudgies” candy commercials and a stuntman martial artist, but he is also a stunt pilot! You would think that Alpine would be at the controls of the Cobra Vulture, after all both he and Bazooka are G.I. Joes and by default every Joe seems trained to fly Skyhawks, Dragonfly helicopters and Skystrikers… but no, it’s the barechested John Wayne impersonator who they place their trust in…
Still, to be fair he’s probably a better choice than Bazooka.
Episode 5: Knotting Cobra’s Coils (or, “Thank God, this is nearly over!”)
WTF? #26:
Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes weren’t able to find horses to get back to Joe Headquarters so they settle for cows. Why they couldn’t have dismounted and walked to the Joe control room, I don’t know. Shipwreck’s sense of humor, maybe? Still a “WTF?” moment, and this time Gung Ho joins us. If only he said it on screen!
WTF? #27:
While I can give Alpine a pass for yodeling in the arctic earlier in the story to create an avalanche, his second attempt is a hideous moment of comedic bullshitery. Suddenly the VAMP jeep comes equipped with a megaphone speaker system on the roof and a microphone that reaches under the car, where Alpine, Bazooka and Quick Kick are hiding from Cobra’s latest ass-pulled super weapon, the Cobra Dragon. Alpine uses the megaphone system to project his yodeling like a sonic cannon toward the mountain side entrance to Cobra’s base. The rockfall (not this is not snow, but rock we are talking about) crushes the Cobra Dragon weapon. WTF?
It’s hard to pick the worst moment in the mini-series, but this has got to be a contender for the sheer corniness and how irritating it is to listen to, along with the usual sidelining of physics. It’s one of the weakest ways the Joes ever get out of trouble in the series.
WTF? #28:
If Cobra Commander looks small in this shot, it’s not because he was playing with Rick Moranis’ science experiments, it’s because a super-sized Rattler has come from out of nowhere! Check out the following interior shot to see just how big this baby is!
F me in the ass! That looks more like it belongs inside the Cobra Vulture… wait, we already saw that interior and it looks smaller than this!
WTF? #29:
Shipwreck: “Enterprise Towers! They’re transforming it into a gantry and battle rocket! If that ship ever gets up no force on Earth will be able to handle it! We’ve got to keep it from reaching space!”
Shipwreck seems remarkably well-informed considering no suggestion of what the rocket can do has, or ultimately is, given. No, what happens is that it is near the end of the episode and Cobra Commander is fleeing his captured Cobra base in a super-sized Rattler with Tomax and Xamot and suddenly it’s clear that there are still a couple of minutes left. So suddenly, the Crimson Twins allude to have a second multi-trillion dollar weapon up their sleeves as they fly to the Extensive Enterprises towers and turn it into a rocket to fly into space and…. We don’t know what they’re going to do exactly. This is a Saturn V-sized ass pull. Honestly this story feels so strung along, rushed and ridiculous at times that this scene is actually funny. If by this point you can’t laugh at the ludicrousness of it all, then you shouldn’t be watching the cartoon to begin with.
WTF? #30:
Fortunately for Shipwreck, Polly, Snake-Eyes and Timber, that singer that ditched them earlier is already in the elevator of the gantry section (formerly part of Enterprise Towers). The elevator which was coming down to ground level as the two Joes and their pets approached, opens to reveal Satin inside. Did she come down because she was trying to escape, or because she saw the Joes? Doesn’t matter. But there she is. Nice of the bitch to put her thirst for revenge ahead of the world’s safety by keeping her knowledge of Enterprise Towers a secret. Anyway, WTF? She is in the elevator. “Need a lift?”
WTF? #31:
The picture says it all really. Genuinely funny, but wow! This story has been bizarre. It’s been like a mish mash of ideas that could have been several episodes in their own right. For example, Cobra taking control of the new G.I. Joe Space Station and using it to threaten the Earth could have been a story in itself. As could the Extensive Enterprises Water Robots (that remain undefeated), the Cobra Dragon heatwave device, and the Extensive Towers rocket. What a mixed bag of ideas and illogical moments. But getting back to this scene for a moment.
Cobra Commander complains that the Crimson Twins’ interference cost him victory. The Twins claim they should have taken control sooner. Okay, hold on there boys. You hired the Dreadnoks to wrest control of the station from Zartan which resulted directly in the Joes retaking the station and the destruction of the Pyramid of the Darkness. Cobra Commander then tried to make up for their bungling by haivng Destro establish a temporary Plan B “Low Altitude Pyramid of Darkness”, which of course was not going to be as difficult to defeat. So how about a bag of shut the fuck up?
Cobra Commander: “You ding-brained carbon copies of identical dumbbells!”
As for Destro blaming the Baroness, the most she did wrong in the episode was compliment Destro. She had no other role than to provide romantic comedy. So unless Destro was having sex while on duty and wants to blame his fetish for women in glasses and black leather on the Baroness, he needs to shut the fuck up too!
WTF? #32:
Lady Jaye: “Now what will we do for thrills and chills?”
Flint: “How about dinner at the Joe commissary?”
Lady Jaye: “What’s so dangerous about that?”
Flint: “The food.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA… yeah. You stupid asshole, Flint. Lady Jaye was giving you the opportunity to ask her out for dinner and afterwards… maybe a little relationship advancement! For Christ’s sake, grow a pair and make out with the girl.
I should add that while the story is awful, the animation for the first episode at least, is among the best in the series. Honestly, I think that animation was wasted on this script. I can only guess that Friedman was either better controlled by the upper management creative team during the first two mini-series, or that he was losing interest in the series original parameters. The worst thing about this story is that it is five episodes too many.
“She had something in her eye!”
There’s really only so far you can go as a fan in taking G.I. Joe the cartoon seriously when you get weird stories like this thrown like wild pitches every inning. The Pyramid of Darkness IS a doozy, but it’s also fast paced and enjoyable enough in places to offer some entertainment value.