Lasers in the Night is an exception among G.I. Joe episodes, in that it spends the first 5 minutes establishing a romantic relationship between Quick Kick and an undergraduate named Amber during his down time. Of course, at no point during the episode does she refer to him by anything but his codename, which is, let’s face it, kind of weird and disturbing. After several minutes of bad John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart impersonations, the story cuts to Gung-Ho being captured on Snake Island and revealing that Cobra Commander has some new nefarious scheme which Destro is not privy to. Now, normally you’d start the episode with this scene rather than with romance. In fact, romance doesn’t appear often in the show at all, and yet here it is perhaps at its most concentrated and deliberate.

The relationship between Quick Kick and Amber confuses me. In the series bible, a guide given to all the writers, they expressly forbid romantic relationships being in the show. Yet there are a number of romances in the series so it makes me wonder if the notes in the G.I. Joe bible were just to placate the higher powers at Sunbow and Hasbro, so they could sneak the romance by under their collective noses. Personally, I’m glad they broke their own rules, although maybe not so much with regards to Quick Kick!

In “Lasers in the Night” we have quite a realistic time frame to set up Quick Kick and Amber’s romance. As mentioned earlier, it all happens BEFORE any of the real plot, and because of that, the scenes showing them both on various dates could be a highlights montage spanning days, weeks or even months. I have to take my hat off to whichever member of the script editing department approved this one, because it’s pretty bold for a “boys action show”.

The weird thing about Quick Kick’s “girlfriend” is that she’s a highly motivated athlete and martial artist and seems desperate to get into G.I. Joe and become a team member. At one point, I was almost wondering if Amber was actually using Quick Kick to get her foot in the door. I mean, let’s be honest here… How in the hell can she stand to be with the guy and listen to his incessant movie quotations?

The two things Amber in a makeshift ninja outfit cannot hide are her boobs! Holy Toledo!

Eventually, she breaks into the Joe base… I guess to prove to them she is worthy. Again, let’s be honest… she is basically Joe material. The only other time I remember anyone breaking into their headquarters without being seen in the process was Storm Shadow. That gives her some serious cred. Another bad thing about Quick Kick is that he comes across as sexist in this episode and keeps treating Amber like she can’t take care of herself. By the end of the episode, Duke actually offers her a place (we’re all hoping it’s Quick Kick’s place and they option him to Japan). Here’s her response.

“Oh, I do! More than ANYTHING in the world! But I think I’ve had enough excitement for a while. Maybe after I finish school?”

Bullshit… I guess you didn’t want it so bad after all, huh Amber? Basically, it’s woman speak for, “I’ve changed my mind and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Thanks for the kind offer.”

At one point, Quick Kick infiltrates the Cobra volcano base and encounters two Cobra troopers on a raised walkway. He kicks both guys off and then we cut to this shot…

Oh yeah… those guys will be fine when they wake up. Come on. Those guys are either dead, or in paralyzed critical condition. What I want to know is, where were their parachutes? 😉

I don’t care what Destro thinks; whether the idea for Cobra Commander to carve his hooded likeness onto the surface of the moon came from Marv Wolfman or the script editing team, it’s awesome! I mean, what doesn’t Destro get about the idea? Cobra is a terrorist organization after all, and seeing the face of the enemy staring down at you would be pretty intimidating, not only as a reminder of the terror threat, but what Cobra technology is capable of doing. Destro spends most of his time berating the Commander about a waste of money. Honestly, Destro… who gives a shit? Cobra is still going to pay for your supposed weapons, just chill.

Aside from this concept, which is pretty cool, the whole Quick Kick and Amber thing is the focus of the episode and the reason I prefer to avoid watching it. I’ve spoken before about my dislike of Quick Kick. He looks retarded and out-of-place, and his constant movie quotes and awful impersonations make him probably the most annoying G.I. Joe team member. If I was put on a mission with him, I’d tell him to make a run for the base while I cover him, but I’d chew gum instead. I wouldn’t even go to his funeral. Fuck him.

Lasers in the Night **