The Viper is Coming (or “Barbecue, Scarlett & Major Bludd Are Stupid Assholes”) is one of those episodes that I didn’t see until my late teens, though part of the reason I’ve seen it less than a handful of times is by choice. Even if I had seen it as a child I suspect my opinion of it would not have been high.

G.I. Joe is a real hit or miss show. Generally, the animation is very good and there are a number of exceptionally clever and entertaining episodes in the series. However, if someone’s first glimpse of the series happened to be one of its low points I would honestly not blame them for assuming the entire series was appallingly stupid.

The Viper is Coming remains popular with fans who, I guess, first saw it while young and much more tolerant. The thing is, the best episodes of the show are the ones that hold up regardless of the viewer’s age. Many episodes made the effort to make some sort of sense…

Let’s get the good stuff out the way first.

The episode is written by David Carren and features some high standard animation that is among the series’ best. It also gives us a glimpse of the lifestyle of the Cobra Trooper, showing us a Cobra Rest & Recreation Base which is the second of about three highlights to this episode for me. The third being the action sequence at Extensive Enterprises Tower. Had either of these two scenes been sandwiched into an average story, they would have helped lift it. However, the Viper is Coming is all about ridiculous coincidences. It also has some bizarre moments, like Roadblock’s accident, discussed further below. For me, it rivals, and on some levels surpasses, The Pyramid of Darkness, Cobra’s Creatures, The Greenhouse Effect and The Gods Below for the hotly coveted title for worst script of Season 1.

My apologies in advance to David Carren, although I believe the directing and script-editing should also shoulder some of the credit for this episode.

Our story opens with a small group of Joes who have joined Barbecue at a firehouse that he has been restoring, presumably in his spare time. I guess they didn’t plan to stay long because they’re still in their Joe uniforms; Alpine has his rock climbing pick, for example. Given what we’re about to learn about Barbecue, I can hardly blame them. Although he is supposed to be a firefighter, apparently this asshole has no idea about fire safety as he is not only barbecuing some burgers indoors , but he also sets fire to one while watching it!

Meanwhile the rest of the Joes, perhaps because they are so bored, are fucking around trying to entertain themselves by dancing, playing basketball and attempting to abseil from the balcony to the first floor. The sequence is meant to be silly, although it becomes utterly bizarre in a few moments. But first, I’d hate to see what Barbecue does when he’s actually distracted!

He then places the flaming burger on Scarlett’s plate and she rushes to the food table and throws it into the punch bowl.

Snake-Eyes is dancing and music is playing despite the fact he is holding the record in his hand, the record player is open and there is no sign of a needle or record playing.

Roadblock bowls over several generic brown-haired white guys in greenshirts before one of them seems to deliberately stick out their foot to trip him. As a result of this careless / deliberate act, Roadblock falls headfirst through the window!!!

Despite the fact Roadblock could be dead, or in urgent need of an ambulance for massive facial lacerations and broken bones from the fall outside the building, Barbecue calmly remarks, in a sick James Bond fashion: “I guess I won’t be needing that window cleaned.”

Aside from this single acknowledgment of the near tragic turn of events, no one goes to check on him.

Instead the party continues as Alpine apparently is training Footloose how to tie a rope to a balcony and climb down it; something that I would expect Footloose to be capable of both from his basic training and from being a member of a highly trained special missions force. However, the balcony can not hold both their weight and breaks, though their fall is cushioned by the glass bowls and cups on the food table beneath them. Nothing like a odd piece of broken glass wedged into the nerve roots between your vertebrae!

Scarlett gets covered in some sort of green slime, although she seems to be almost enjoying it in this still.

Then the phone rings and Barbecue answers (I’m guessing after letting a burger catch fire right in from of him, he figures they’re safer when he turns his back). The voice on the other end says in a thick eastern European accent: “The viper is coming. 5 75.” At this point, the caller stops and Barbecue hangs up without so much as a “hello? Hello?!”

This is where a huge flaw in the logic of the plot occurs. Why doesn’t the asshole on the phone (the window cleaner, not Barbecue) complete his fucking sentences? What kind of an asshole contractor gives their client a basic message of their price and when they can schedule the cleaning via a single incomplete sentences over four separate phone calls stretched over a period of two days?!

The weird thing is that Scarlett jumps on this as being an obvious challenge from Cobra, even though Barbecue mentioned in his earlier deadpan, that “I guess I won’t be needing that window cleaned.”

So, the Joes decide that the 5 75 thing could be latitude and longitude. Even though 5 75 could have meant a number of things, they mount a large scale expedition to the south pole. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with Scarlett. Here’s where the bullshit coincidences start exploding all over the script…

So, Alpine and Footloose find a penis in the snow. Alpine pulls on the penis and it turns out that it just happens to be the lever to a hydraulic lift which Barbecue, Lady Jaye and Gung Ho just happen to parked over in there Snow Cat vehicle.

It turns out to be a secret underground Cobra base dedicated to providing recreational facilities to their forces. So, by pure coincidence, the window cleaner’s hourly rate of $5.75 just happened to be the same number longitude of this base, and Alpine just happened to find the “door handle”. *cough*

I love it how they have a variety of recreation options available! “Welcome to the Cobra rest and recreation base #3. Volley ball, table tennis and swimming are available in the Cobra Commander Gymnasium. Lunch will be served in the Destro Dining Room. The Floor Show starts promptly at 7pm in the Zartan Entertainment Center. Tonight we feature the Cobra Cuties!”

Scarlett realizes the message was not a challenge to fight Cobra as it is an R&R facility and they were not prepared for G.I. Joe. Although the circumstances leading to the discovery of this base are stupid, the idea of the R&R facility is great and the humor here is less slapstick and more satirical. To be honest, it looks like Cobra Troopers get treated pretty well. I guess Cobra has to have some incentive for its foot soldiers considering how frequently the shit gets beaten out of them.

No idea what this guy’s name is, but he seems to run the establishment. It seemed classy until he showed up. Now I’m wondering what other services the Cobra Cuties offer… :-/

Once back at the firehouse, Barbecue gets a second call. “Zis is ze Viper. I come on Friday. Vest Corner.”

Come on! He’s obviously got an accent. Listen to how he pronounces his words!

Apparently they did listen well enough to know that he meant “West” corner. Scarlett fails to translate the rest of the message, ie “wiper”. Even Scarlett should know that West Corner is the fucking street corner of the firehouse that she traveled to for Barbecue’s party. She’s traveled to it more than once after all, as she’s sitting in it right now!

Once again, I have to ask, why the fuck would a window cleaner call over several days with a disjointed message. If the asshole keeps losing his connection, then why doesn’t he call back immediately instead of once a day, and each time with a single, ambiguous sentence? There’s just no satisfying answer other than that this is a lame plot contrivance. It should have been a DiC animation episode.

In a horrible use of 1960s Batman logic, Scarlett reasons that “corner” is the same as “point”. Therefore, Cobra must be about to attack the United States West Point Military Academy. Sadly, that is exactly what they just so happen to be in the process of doing.

Oh fuck me!

Those are Cobra Troopers sitting in the open top tanks ahead of you! Open your eyes!

And why are they casually sitting out in the open in their bright blue uniforms?

Don’t walk right up to him!!!

Here you have it… Major Bludd is being about as subtle as Scarlett’s codename.

It’s too bad Major Bludd’s depth of perception is ruined by his missing eye, because Scarlett deserved to be shot in the back of the head.

And why the hell is Cobra attacking West Point in the middle of a muster parade where all the graduates are armed? Major Bludd and several Cobra Troopers / Officers have somehow gained access to United States armored tanks, with which I assume they planned to take West Point by surprise. At no point during the battle do we see any additional Cobra forces arrive. So basically, it’s just six tanks and maybe a dozens Cobra troopers. This operation would have failed even if G.I. Joe hadn’t showed up, wouldn’t it?

Major Bludd escapes, only to get dry humped by Destro in the Extensive Enterprises Tower! And what the hell happened to the Crimson Twins? The entire office is in ruins! It seems that Destro must have walked into the office and fired his wrist mounted rocket launcher. This could well be the case as a close inspection shows that Destro’s gauntlets are decidedly rocket free throughout this scene. I guess the lesson here is that Destro does not like informants.

Meanwhlie, the Joes get another of the window cleaner’s “prank” phone calls. “The Viper is coming tomorrow. Top floor, first.”

Scarlett actually replies this time. “Who ARE you?!”

“The Viper! I am the VIPER! Goodbye.”

Okay, so we can rule out that he has a shitty phone line because he actually replied (Scarlett was smart enough to actually respond to him). So this guy REALLY is being a dick!

Why is Zartan disguised as a security guard on the first floor of the Extensive Enterprises Tower? I mean, why? He works for Cobra Commander. Is he moonlighting as a disguised security officer for the Crimson Twins all of a sudden? I just don’t understand what he is even doing in this story. Cobra Commander doesn’t even appear once.

So, Barbecue, Scarlett, Snake-Eyes go to the EE Tower and are gassed in the elevator on their way to the top floor. I guess Barbecue’s firefighter mask is past it’s expiry date…

When they get to the top floor and wake up, they are interrogated by Destro. Outside the building, one of the Fang helicopters engaged in combat with Wild Bill’s Dragonfly, launches a missile which crashes right into their office!

… Destro, the Twins, Major Bludd, Scarlett, Snake-Eyes and Barbecue all survive the missile that explodes in the office and start fighting!

Meanwhile, because the Joes failed to bring additional air support, Alpine decides to put Footloose’s recent training to good use and scale the skyscraper with a rope and grapple while Fang copters fight with Wild Bill around them!

Eventually, the battle ends, leaving the very good question, how in the hell will Extensive Enterprises continue now its cover has been clearly blown, completely unasked. Yes, that’s right, the production team simply don’t care about the integrity of the show. Which is weird, when you have gems like The Traitor and There’s No PLace Like Springfield.

“Zis is the viper! I be there at noon today. Be ready.”

In response, the Joes surround the firehouse as if it is Fort Knox. Well… except for that one window round the side. What’s up with that?

So the window cleaner finally shows up. This time he’s able to complete his entire message without hanging up on them. What a dick.

“I am the viper. I’ve come to vipe your vindows. $5.75 an hour. I start on West Corner, top floor first.”

So, I think I’ve figure out an explanation. “The viper” is really God, who has assumed the human shape of a stumpy old european immigrant window cleaner to deliver key messages to human kind to shut down a Cobra recreation center and stop the kidnapping of top military brass. I realize this is a shitty explanation, but the alternative is that some dumpy little asshole’s prank calls just happened, by a one billion to one chance, to consecutively point the Joes to two completely separate Cobra operations.