This is technically the first Buzz Dixon script that went into production, and most likely the first he wrote for G.I. Joe. If so, he makes a decent debut, toying with the “super weapon” plot. This time Cobra is going to destroy the Earth’s protective Van Allen Belt. The weird thing is that neither Cobra or their base in the arctic appear until the second act. The first act is entirely about the Joes wondering what is going on and sending an expedition to the North Pole to find out.

This is essentially one of several flint / Lady Jaye team up episodes of the season. As this was produced before the Funhouse, in which Lady Jaye and Flint were clearly at a touchy feely point in their relationship, it’s interesting to note that they don’t display any physicality here. Case in point: Duke and Flint are standing on the airfield admiring Lady Jaye’s piloting skills in the Sky Striker overhead. Duke comments: “Oh, no. It’s your flying-fool girlfriend.” Flint becomes embarrassed and stammers that she is not his girlfriend. Lady Jaye spots them and grins, coming in to land by flying super low over their heads.

Whether they are sleeping together yet or not, Flint and Lady Jaye do, however, get along like a house on fire in this episode. They even sing together while tied back-to-back as Cobra prisoners about mid-way through the episode. Early in the episode, Flint misses the perfect excuse to offer Lady Jaye his warmth…

Both Leanne and I half expected Flint to be sharing his arctic tent with Lady Jaye, but it turns out to be Snow Job. Maybe Snow Job is a better cuddler?

So, the Joes head to the north pole with a bunch of scientists… One of them, Doctor Entwhistle, is actually the Baroness in disguise and spends the first act of the episode trying to sabotage their mission and kill the Joes (including herself, the stupid bitch!).

Seriously, if you think the Baroness is one of the more competent members of Cobra then watch Captives of Cobra or Twenty Questions and see how quickly you change your mind! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike the Baroness. But she doesn’t seem to realize just how much she fucks things up. Look how happy she is!

There’s a hilarious Polar Bear in this episode too. Hilarious because it takes Lady Jaye’s javelin in its paws and snaps it in two. It later ends the episode by crawling onto the G.I. Joe WHALE hovercraft to take a nap.

Speaking of Polar Bears, we’re getting to the more violent part of the episode now…

The Cobra Officer with the bandoleer of tranquilizers gets to make use of them when his dimwitted buddy kicks the Polar Bear in the ass, thinking it is a tent or fur coat that a Joe is hiding beneath. He gets a Polar right hook across the skull.

Oh, and Snow Job gets stuck by three tranquilizers. And here’s a logic problem. The tranquilizers were foreshadowed earlier when the polar bear was shot with a dart and immediately passed out. However, when Snow Job is rolling through the snow fighting with the Cobra Officer, three tranquilizer needles stick into his shoulder at once! Remember, it only took one to put the polar bear to sleep in seconds. Snow Job, however, just wanders off drunkenly into the arctic horizon. It still has quite a lot of impact to see the needles piercing into his shoulder and both Leanne and I gasped. Not something we would expect to see in a 1980s children’s animated television show.

Meanwhile, the Joe base is infiltrated by Firefly, who switches the jet fuel with an unstable formula.

Duke: “I told Wild Bill to stay off the bottle!”

The Joes suddenly find their plans to fly in support for Flint’s team are grounded. At least 10 Sky Strikers and one cargo plane are destroyed (five of those in the air). The result is that Firefly does more, single-handedly, than any other Cobra that I can think of. If Firefly comes off as a boob elsewhere in the series, this episode surely has to make up for it.

Firefly even succeeds in getting this expression out of Duke!

Back in the arctic, Snow Job is rescued by an Inuit family and nursed back to health. He radios for help. Ripcord eventually parachutes in (ditching the last Sky Striker in the process). Poor American tax payer!

Meanwhile, Cobra Commander pits his captives against presumably the same Polar Bear that has been giving the Joes and Cobra such grief. When Lady Jaye and Flint escape the arena they pause to catch their breath with their backs against the door. There’s no denying it, they are a cute couple.

The animation is a mixed bag, with only a few shining moments like this…

And then puzzling moments, like this…

What the hell is that? A Super-sized HISS Tank?

Cobra Commander: “Arctic Circle! Are you ready to ROCK?!”

As the plot and that Van Allen Belt thing… You might be thinking: Why would Cobra want to destroy one of the key things allowing all life to exist on this precious world? Well, I don’t know the answer to that either. However, moving this glaring question to one side, the rest of the story isn’t bad. It’s actually kind of enjoyable. And that’s really the least I expect for G.I. Joe. A wacky idea can be forgiven if the majority of the episode is consistent and doesn’t write down to the audience. That’s one of the reasons Haul the Heavens doesn’t get a low a score. Dixon at least takes the story seriously which helps it to hold together and not become a huge joke.

Not a classic, but definitely fun and enjoyable enough to give it 3 out of 5.

Haul Down the Heavens ***
Starring: Flint, Lady Jaye, Snow Job, Baroness
Also Featuring: Duke, Ripcord, Wild Bill, Gung Ho, Roadblock, Cobra Commander, Destro, Cobra Officer, Cobra Troopers, Snow Serpents
Vehicles: Sky Strikers, Snow Cats, Polar Bear Snow Mobile, WHALE, HISS Tanks, FANG Copters, Unnamed Cobra Mini-Sub
Joe Commander on Duty: Duke