Reviewing the worst of anything is rarely easy, but the one thing the Greenhouse Effect does at least provide is plenty material to rant about. Gordon Kent seems to strike out completely when it comes to the tone of G.I. Joe. Part of my problem with his stories is how outlandish they are, and that means the script editing from Gerber and Dille has to share some of the blame. Kent’s script suffers from choppy editing and directing: amateur visual storytelling choices and strange scene-jumps etc. The WTFage starts early…

For some reason, Barbecue has bleached his hair blonde…

He’s also being an asshole –which can’t be difficult when his accent is an annoying JFK impersonation! Anyway, the dude starts picking on the scientist who has developed some weapon that uses an experimental gas. Why are the Joes acting like bullies and jerks all of a sudden? Well, actually, I can understand Barbecue being a dick (see The Viper is Coming).

They also laugh their asses off when a poor janitor spills his bucket of water in the lab…

Seriously… assholes.

So, the plot…. Cobra has an overweight Crimson Guard, disguised as a janitor, steal an experimental gas from right in front of the Joes. He does this in an acrobatic display that proves ominous for what is to come.

Don’t ask me what you’re looking at. You’ve got eyes!

He hides the stolen canister in a farmer’s greenhouse. The gas leaks and causes the plants to grow overnight to Jack and the Beanstalk proportions!

So the farmer takes his produce to the County Fair, where his audience seem to be strangely underwhelmed and start mocking him. I don’t get it. Are giant-sized vegetables and fruits common in the Joe universe? Anyway, the vegetation has its revenge by growing and shooting out seeds to propagate. Within seconds, the entire fairground is dwarfed by murderous fruits and veggies (why are they able to move and attack things?). Never fear, G.I. Joe is near!

What the hell? See the sequence above. Bazooka and the farmer are being raped by a tentacled potato, or whatever it is, while Alpine charges toward them on a Silver Mirage motorcycle shouting that he will save them. He launches two missiles right at them! This is no way to “save” someone unless you are some sort of sarcastic pyschopath. Those missiles are dead on target. The problem is, the rapetato is holding Bazooka! I’m not worried about the fat farmer… actually, I’m not that worried about Bazooka either… But I’m still left asking “WTF?” when it comes to Alpine’s close call with a manslaughter charge and court martial.

Let’s be honest, the only reason those characters weren’t killed is that this is a cartoon.

Next, Destro arrives via FANG copter in an effort to steal the canister. Barbecue and Wild Bill duel him in the air, and instead of using the Dragonfly’s weaponry at their disposal, Barbecue opens the cockpit canopy while they are airborne! What the FUCK? What about the fucking rotor blades? It gets worse…

Barbecue then shoots his water pistol at Destro, damaging his cockpit. Destro suddenly turns into Boba Fett and fires a wrist mounted rope launcher at the hand rails of the Joes’ Dragonfly copter! He then swings underneath and up into the open cockpit!! All this without overshooting and being diced into a thousand pieces by the rotor blades!!! While standing with an open canopy, he punches Barbecue and Wild Bill out of the Dragonfly, takes the controls and flies off… WITH THE CANOPY STILL OPEN!!!!

What is he, fuckin’ Batman?!

Destro escapes with one of the beans from county fair, as well as the Dragonfly copter. Usually it’s the Joes capturing Cobra assets, not the other way around. Nice work, Destro, sort of…

Cobra Commander is not impressed: “You let them have the fuel and bring me a BEAN?!”

Destro then recommends to the Commander that they use the gas to grow an army of plants to conquer the world. This sounds retarded, but I guess Destro was shown to have a green thumb in Revenge of Cobra. So, Cobra Commander goes along with it and we have giant beanstalks erupting all over the place. In fact, the Crimson Twins even set up a giant vegetable cannon on the roof of the Extensive Enterprises Tower! To make things worse, they are singing “A planting we will go, a planting we will go, high ho di-merry oh, a planting we will go!” I’m serious.

The whole city is being seeded, and when these things hit the ground, they crack through the concrete and grow to the size of skyscrapers in seconds! IT’S.SUCH.BULLSHIT!

Alpine scales the building with a rope and grapple. Once at the top, he duels with the Twins, who fall toward the street far below.

Fortunately the cabbage seeds fall faster than they do, land on the pavement and grow to giant size in time to give the twins a soft landing!

Don’t worry… this shit’s almost over! The Joes fight the plants in the city and at a fairground until finally Airtight comes out of nowhere with an weed killer that dissolves the plants. He literally shows up out of nowhere in a jet with this solution. Basically, they will force the clouds to rain using salt dropped from high altitude, but… and here’s the thing… they will mix the plant killer formula with salt. This, of course, works. Bye bye city parks.

It ends with Airtight — who has only just shown up in this story, right at the end– scaring the farmer for being a a glory-stealing S.O.B. He sneaks up behind the bastard while wearing a piece of promotional art that looks like a giant cob of corn. The farmer falls on his ass and the Joes all have a laugh.

I just can’t stress it enough. This episode is appalling. The logic and physics are terrible yes, but they aren’t even consistent within the episode itself. We have plants growing to enormous size in the greenhouse overnight, then all of a sudden at the county fair, they grow instantly and seem to be able to consciously ensnare people. I know this is a kids cartoon show, but the reason I’m shocked is that G.I. Joe is generally so much smarter and internally consistent than this!

For me, this is the worst G.I. Joe episode. There are strong contenders, but on top of being so ridiculous and disjointed, the simple idea of giving any screen time at all to a fat greenhouse owner in a G.I. Joe episode should be a criminal offence.

The Greenhouse Effect *
Starring: Alpine, Bazooka, Wild Bill, Barbecue, Destro, Fat Farmer
Also Featuring: Airtight, Shipwreck, Dusty, Crimson Twins, Crimson Guard Janitor
Vehicles: Silver Mirage, Dragonfly, Skyhawk, FANG copter, Cobra CLAW
Joe Commander on Duty: Wild Bill? I honestly don’t know. Duke, Flint, Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Stalker, Cutter, Ace… none of them appear in this episode. Lucky them.